


Things that Have Been Lost to War

by CheeseCassadilla



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Captain America: The First Avenger, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, WW2, World War 2, catfa, then angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-24 00:53:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7486959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheeseCassadilla/pseuds/CheeseCassadilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short occurrences in the lives of Captain Steven Grant Rogers and Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes during their time abroad in WW2.</p><p>dude i don't really remember writing this that well, but it happened at 3 am so you know it's a wild ride</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There Goes The Arm

**Author's Note:**

> first chapter is short fluff, angst is close behind though

"Hey Steve, remember that one time back home, when you n' that dame, Katherine, or whatever-" Bucky started jokingly, looking to rile up his friend. Steve immediately began choking on the water he was drinking in horror, unable to believe that Bucky was telling /that/ story right now, in front of everyone.

"Don't you dare, you jerk," Steve interrupted, lightly punching Bucky in the arm. Well, at least it was /supposed/ to be a light punch. However, what Steve forgot to factor in was the fact that he was no longer scrawny ass Steven Grant Rogers who weighed thirty pounds soaking wet, but rather Captain America, the man who could fight his way into a heavily guarded HYDRA base. Bucky fell off of his stool, flailing, and onto the ground a few feet away. Everyone was laughing, even Bucky himself after he got over the initial moment of shock. Except for Steve, who was sitting there with a look of absolute horror which only prompted everyone to laugh harder. Bucky picked himself up and dusted himself off, climbing back up onto his stool next to Steve.

"Wow Cap, you sure as hell pack a punch, eh?" Bucky said smiling at Steve crookedly while attempting to subtly rub his arm where he had been hit.

"Jesus, are you okay Buck?" Steve asked, concerned.

"Steve, a little sock in the arm is hardly gonna take me outta commission," Bucky said, patting Steve on the shoulder comfortingly. The rest of the night continued with Steve and the rest of the Howling Commandos joking and laughing over what was probably a bit /too much/ alcohol, but all the while Steve couldn't help but feel a bit shaken.

He hadn't realized that up until that moment he had always thought of Bucky as someone who was ultimately stronger than him, someone who Steve couldn't beat up even if he tried. That may have been true back in Brooklyn, but now that Steve was no longer the man he was Brooklyn that was no longer true. Nowadays it seemed as though he might snap Bucky in half if he wasn't paying attention.

"Hey, Cap, ya seem a bit dazed. Everyone's clearin' out so you and I better get goin'," Steve was brought out of his internal lament by Bucky calling him to attention from across the bar.

"Yeah, I'm comin' Buck," he got up from his stool and he and Bucky began to walk back to their shared tent.

"Your arm okay buddy?" Steve asked again, still concerned. Bucky shot him a disbelieving look.

"No Steve, I'm pretty sure it's about to fall off," he said dramatically grabbing his left arm.

"Well then I suppose we ought to get you right back to the tent for plenty of bed rest," Steve grinned at Bucky.

"Yeah Stevie, cause' bed rest is exactly what you're supposed to get someone who just lost an arm."

"Shaddup ya jerk."

"Punk."

And with that the two continued their walk back to their tent in companionable silence.


	2. Bad Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst with a happy ending

Ever since Steve had joined the war he stopped sleeping through the night. Every night there was something that caused him to wake up. One night it was a couple of drunk soldiers outside his tent, another night a plane flew overhead which startled everyone, and some nights it was because of nightmares. After being there for as long as they had it was impossible not to have nightmares. And it wasn't always his own nightmares that woke him up. After he had saved Bucky, Bucky had had a lot of nightmares at first. Steve didn't think he wanted to know exactly what had happened on the operating table to do this Bucky. Bucky would wake up shaking and screaming and Steve would rush over to help him. Bucky always apologized afterwards for waking Steve up, but Steve felt as though he was the one who should be sorry.

No matter what anyone said Steve still felt as though he were at fault for what happened to Bucky. Steve had been off being a dancing monkey for the war effort for a couple of months while Bucky went through God knows what on that operating table. Steve had been so caught up in everything that he forgot to write to Bucky, couldn't be bothered to pick up a pen and write to his best friend. Maybe if he had just gotten his head out of his ass and wrote to Bucky he would've found out that he'd been captured and could've done something sooner. Sometimes he wondered if Bucky had written to him and if there were a bunch of letters waiting on their doorstep back in Brooklyn.

Whenever Steve had nightmares they were about Bucky. Something always happened to Bucky and he was left powerless to stop them. One night he was shot dead by HYDRA. Another night he was stabbed to death. Sometimes he fell and Steve's reach was /just too short/ and Bucky fell, screaming Steve's name. The nights where Steve had those dreams were always the worst.

He would usually end up accidentally waking Bucky and the two of them would usually end up sitting together in Steve's bunk. Bucky understood Steve's nightmares and Steve needed reassurance that everything was okay. Most nights when this happened they would find themselves falling asleep on top of each other. Then in the morning they would act like it was nothing unusual. Like they were back in Brooklyn with only their shitty twin size bed to share. Only now something felt different. They weren't a couple of kids in Brooklyn who were just trying to scrape by. They were soldiers and this was war. No amount of attempted normalcy would ever truly make that tent feel like their drafty Brooklyn apartment.  
They weren't little boys playing soldier and laughing behind the bike shed anymore. They weren't at the cinema seeing some crappy war movie. They were men now and they were /living/ a war movie.  
Steve went to sleep that night hoping that this would be one of the quieter nights.

"Bucky?! Bucky, stop messing around! This isn't funny, Buck," Steve screamed, shaking his best friend's limp body.

"Bucky I swear to god," Steve took a deep breath, "Bucky I swear."

As every second passed things seemed worse and somehow less real. It all seemed like some sort of nightmare to Steve.

One minute it was a routine mission and everything seemed normal. Then Steve turned back to look at Bucky who smiled at him and began to say something. Then everything went to hell and gunfire rang out. Suddenly nothing was routine about this anymore.

"Buck, Buck, Bucky you gotta get up," Steve begged, holding Bucky close. Suddenly Bucky took a sharp breath and Steve jumped slightly from the surprise.

"Buck-!" Steve was cut off when Bucky's shaking hands grabbed the collar of his jacket and yanked him down slightly.

"Steve," Bucky started, voice rough. There was blood dripping out from the corner of his mouth, oh god there was blood everywhere.

"Bucky, I'm here," Steve replies, leaning in closely. For the first time since he joined the war he felt utterly useless.

"Stevie I gotta tell you something," Bucky said desperately, sounding as though he was having trouble breathing.

"You're gonna be fine Buck, just take it easy for the moment."

"No, Steve, Steve I gotta tell you something-" Bucky was cut off by a sudden coughing fit.

"Shhh, just calm down Buck, I'm gonna get us outta here, then you can tell me."

"No, no, Steve, Steve I love you," Bucky choked out. Steve couldn't believe what he'd just heard. He had to have misheard him.

"What? Buck, I-Buck!" Bucky's hands started to go limp on the collar of Steve's jacket.

"Oh no Buck, no no no, you can't do this to me now!" Steve didn't care that he was crying at that point. The only things that he cared about was the fact that he could no longer feel Bucky breathing and that Bucky's eyes had gone blank.

"Oh, isn't this a sad scene," jeered a voice behind him. There, in all of his horrific glory stood Red Skull, the very bane of Steve's existence.

"Shut up," he hissed at Red Skull.

"Looks as though you've led yet another man to death's doors."

"Shut. Up."

"I'm sure he'll be thinking of you and what you did to him, down in hell."

"SHUT UP!" he finally had snapped, he surged up off of the ground, leaving Bucky laying there as though he were asleep. He angrily grabbed the lapels of Red Skull's pristine jacket, Bucky's blood smearing on it from Steve's fingers. Red Skull only grinned widely in response.

"You might as well have pulled the trigger yourself, Cap," he said scathingly, "he gave you his trust and you gave him his death."

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP," Steve screamed. It was all too much, he couldn't process all of the emotions he was feeling, he didn't know what to do, he-

Suddenly the world changed and Red Skull and the battlefield were and the first thing that Steve registered was that a pillow had nailed him right in the face.

"What the-" he started, breathing deeply.

"Jesus Steve, you nearly gave me a heart attack I swear. You were tossing and turning and then you started screaming like you were possessed," Bucky stood next to him, looking concerned.

"Ah Jeez, Buck," Steve suddenly felt overcome by emotion. He had never had a dream so real, never felt so much like he had lost Bucky. Without any warning Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky in a rib crushing hug.

"Whoa there, Cap!" Bucky exclaimed, nearly falling over from the unexpected hug.

"I love ya, Buck."

"I love you too, punk," Bucky replied patting Steve on the head confusedly. They stayed like this for a few quiet moments.

"Are you okay?" Bucky asked, concerned about Steve. After Steve loosened his grip on him Bucky moved to sit next to Steve on the small bunk. Bucky and Steve remained like this for a little while, leaning against each other and waiting for Steve's breathing to slow down.

The two remained like that until Bucky eventually fell asleep with his head on Steve's shoulder. Steve wound his arm around Bucky's shoulder and leaned back with him to a more comfortable position. He could hear Bucky's quiet breathing and he was pretty sure that Bucky was drooling on his shoulder which helped Steve to stay calm. Bucky had that effect on Steve. Bucky had always calmed Steve down and tried to keep him out of fights when they were back home. Now that they were overseas and the kind of fighting that they were doing wasn't just alleyway scraps, Steve had become a little better at knowing when to pick fights. Not good enough, is what Bucky said, though. God forbid anything were to happen to Bucky, Steve thought. He had no idea what he'd do without him.


	3. A Goodbye without a Farewell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the angst you've all been waiting for

That scream kept replaying over and over in Steve's head. His thoughts were a muddled mess and he was altogether a wreck. Memories and bits of conversations, and /that god awful scream/ whirled around in his mind and he wondered dimly if this was what it felt like to go insane.

"Remember that time I made you ride the cyclone on Coney Island?"

"Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

"Let's hear it for Captain America!"

"That scrawny guy from Brooklyn, I'm following him."

"I'm with you, 'til the end of the line."

Steve threw back another beer, he'd lost count around the sixth. No matter how many he drank he couldn't rid himself of those unneeded memories. His continuing sobriety was a real problem in his opinion.  
Steve needed to calm down, but no matter what he did he found himself unable to. He was inconsolable. The only person who could've pulled him from his misery and distress was the person whose absence caused it.

He felt as though all of his fears had come true. Like he was just stuck in one of those hellish nightmares. All Steve wanted was to wake up and sit with Bucky until they eventually fell asleep together.  
But that wasn't going to happen. Because this was real life. Because this was war. Because Bucky was dead and Steve was the one who had killed him.

No matter what anyone said Steve knew that it was his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might add a few chapters in before this, or write some civil war thingies at some point


End file.
